Everything seems to be moving slower than normal. Surrounding sounds and noises seem to be much lower than they usually are. I feel like I’m starving -my stomach hurts like I haven’t eaten in weeks. I feel irrational, weak, and my heart hurts in a way as if my Mother, Sister, & Son were all killed in the same day. I can’t stop crying. I feel nauseous. My head is numb. I don’t want to do anything. I feel like I’m on pause. I want to be secluded away from everyone. I feel very empty, lonely. I see a nice unpopulated area with lots of trees, I pull my truck over, get out, and walk over to it. I feel good to be away from everyone and everything. It feels more peaceful here. I have weird thoughts, a lot of arguing within myself. Arguing with myself. Both voices are me, but one sounds further away and kind of up and to the rear. Too much talking in my head. I wonder if I’m going crazy, is this the beginning stages of insanity?

I sit here alone for three hours. My thoughts begin to race. I can’t understand myself anymore. I try to listen or pinpoint at least one thought but can not. They are all up there, speeding along and mixed up, and I can’t even get a grip on one of them. So many racing thoughts. I feel like I’m trying to catch them, but can’t. Just one thought is all I want, but I can’t focus enough. I try so much it hurts to try. I want to yell out loud. I don’t want anyone near me. Stay away. My head feels like it itches. I scratch it hard, and hold my head with my hands. I want to cut into my head with my fingernails, but am still sane enough to know not too. So I just stay there crying, and not knowing or understanding why. I hate it.

I’m so exhausted, mentally exhausted. My head is so numb, even more so than before, but the pain seems to die down a little. I’m starting to get dizzy. My motor skills are slowing down. I wave my hand in front of my face and I see a trail. It feels like I’m high. I giggle. I almost like the feeling. It is better than the pain. I look around, but slowly, and everything leaves a trail. The noise dies out and I hear it as it fades out into a mute. I feel like I can hear the air… The quietness… The stillness. I’m not crying anymore, but tears continually fall down my face. I feel better now, but still empty… still alone. There’s no sound at all except for the sound of my own voices in my head, so loud against the silence of the outside world. I ask myself if I’m really here. Is this really happening? I question my own question… Did I just ask if I’m here? What is reality? I laugh. I laugh with a face full of tears. I don’t understand anymore. I give up trying. I feel a funny feeling on my head, like a blanket covering my skull. Then I see a person walking on a sidewalk. This sidewalk wasn’t here before. Where did it come from? Is this another hallucination? This new “situation” is mixing in with my reality. I see both simultaneously overlapping each other but both are kind of blurry. I get mixed up, forget which came first. The person walks through the trees and keeps walking past me. Things get more confusing. Did that just happen? I’m here in the woods, alone with no one, no sidewalk, no bench, no other people, right? Or am I on a bench along the sidewalk watching as a real person walked by me? If so, that would mean the nice ‘out of the way’ place that I drove to, with all of the trees was actually the hallucination? Was my whole day a hallucination? Which is which? When did it start? How long has it lasted? How come I can’t tell which one is reality? I’m becoming frantic and nervous. I don’t want to move because I’m scared. Can someone help me? Please.

That is what it’s like living with Bipolar Disorder.

Filed under: bipolar disorder

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